Saturday, May 18, 2013
PEACEFUL HOME: CHILD UPBRINGING A TOOL
All Praises are due to Allah Who guided to followership of the Messengers, and guided us to the pillars of our religion y following the footsteps of our righteous predecessors that our hearts became filled with the knowledge of the Sharia and the clear truth. Praise be to Him on the lights of certainty, we thank him for guiding us to firm hold unto the solid rope fo God. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone without any partner, and that Muhammad is his slave and Messenger, master of the former and later generations. May Allah bless him and his families, his companions and his modest wives, mothers of the believers, until the Day of Judgement. Allah (S.W.T) mentioned it in Q4 vs 2 that … Then marry (other) women of Your choice… The prophet (S.A.W) also said that (annikahu sunnati wa mon rogiba an suunati falaesa mini. (Marriage is my practice and whoever rejects my practice is not of me. In another hadith the Prophet said “Tazawaju wa tawaladu fa ini mukathirun bikumul ummamu yaomal kiyamin”. From the ahadith stated above it is clear that Allah and His Prophet want us to marry. The Prophet also mentioned that one of the proceeds of marriage is procreation of children. These children may be source of happiness for the parents in this world and in hereafter. They can also be of assistance to the parents to get to the paradise if they are properly trained. The Prophet said “whosoever sponsors two girls until they grow up, he will be with me in paradise like that (bringing two of his fingers close together.) In another hadith the Prophet (S.A.W) said that "idha mota ibn Adam inqataa amaluhu ila min thalathin: sadaqatin jariya, ao ilimin yun fau bihi, ao waladin salihin yadiu lahu. Teaching of Islam made us realize that parents stand the chance to benefit alot from their children if they play their role as parent very well. WHERE STARTS THE ROLE OF PARENT ON THEIR CHILDREN Parents start preparing for their children by choosing the right partner be it male or female. The Prophet gave us the criteria for choosing a right partner. The person be a mumin or muminat and should be pious notwithstanding her beauty, lineage or achievement. Therefore if Allah gives them a baby, the first word that the prophet S.W.A. recommended that the baby should hear is the Adhan and them Iqamat. Abu-Dawud and At-Tirmidhiyy related that Abu Rafi said “I saw Allah’s Messenger saying Adhan in Al-Hassan ibn Ali’s ear when Fatimah gave birth to him”. TAHNIK Tahnik means to chew a date, then to rub the new born’s mouth with it by putting a little of the chewed date on a fingertip, and inserting it into the baby’s mouth. It is recommended that Tahnik be done by a pious and righteous man, for seeking His blessings and hoping that the baby may grow up righteous and pious. It is mentioned in Bukhari and Muslim that Abu-Burdah related that Abu-Musa (R.A) said: I had a baby and I took him to the prophet (SWA), the prophet (SWA) called him Ibrahim, and made Tahnik to him with a date and asked Allah to bless him, and gave him to me. (4) Shaving the baby’s head On the seventh day it is recommended that the baby’s hair should be shaved and the silver value of the hair should be given out to the poor. Malik related in Al-Muwatta that Jaafar ibn Muhammad’s father said: Fatimah (R.A) weigh the hair of Al-Hasan, Al-Husayn, Zaynab and Umm-kulthum and gave its weight in silver to the poor. (5) AQIQAH This means slaughtering a goat on the seventh day of a child’s birth. From salman Ibn Amir Ad-Dabbly said that Allah’s Messenger said" Aqiqah is to be offered for a newly born boy, so slaughter for him and relieve him of harm. (6) CIRCUMCISING THE NEWLY BORN CHILD Abu Hurayrah related in Sahihayn that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said: five practices are of fitrah: circumcision, shaving the pubic hair, cutting the moustache short, clipping the nails and depilating the hair of the armpits. The prophet recommended that both male and female child should be circumcised. It has a religious rationale and healthy benefits which have been clarified by the scholars and uncovered by the physicians. Having done everything mentioned above, the parents would have done what is expected of them at the tender age of the child, what remains is to provide for him/her the necessary needs of life, take care of his health, try as much as possible to protect him from injury during the cause of his development and growth and make the environment conducive for him to maintain the pristine intellect and soul such that it will not corrupt in anyway. If parents are able to do this, definitely the child will grow up to be a pious, righteous Muslim because the prophet (S.A.W) said: (every child is born on the fitrah of Islam but it is the parents that turn them into a Jew, a Christian or an idol worshiper. However the prevailing conditions all over the places do not allow natural growth and development of a child into a God conscious morally upright individual. CAUSES OF CHILDREN PERVERSION (1) CORRUPT COMPANIONS AND BAD PEERS One of the great factors that lead to children’s perversion is the corrupt companions and bad peers. Islam has instructed the parents to observe the conducts of their children and guided them to choose for their children the good company to acquire from them every noble manner and Sublime behaviour, and directed them to warn their children of the evil company and bad peers. Almighty Allah said in Suratal Zukhruf: 67 (close fellows upon that day shall be enemies to one another except the pious ones. Hadith: the Prophet said" the likeness of the good companion and the bad one is like that of the perfume bearer and the bellow blower". So, the perfume bearer will either give you some, buy from him or get a nice smell from him. But the bellow blower will either burn your cloth or you will get a bad smell of him. (2) Mismanagement of free time It is known that children grow up fond of playing and having adventures. An adage says" unbusy or free hand is devil’s workshop. Shaytan visits every free or unbusy souls, it suggest to them what to do. And what will Shaytan do to them is to invite them into immorality and indecent acts that will earn them punishment of Allah. It is the duty of parents to tackle this problem by offering practical mean of engaging the children at their free times. (3) Mistreatment of parents to children If a child is treated by his parents with cruelty, hard beating, tormenting blame, contempt scandalizing and derision, he may react by withdrawing into his shell, seclude himself, loose trust and confidence in the parents and may lead to choosing confident from outside home or give him a psychological problem which may turn to psychiatric problem. (4) POVERTY It is evident that when the child lacks what suffices him of food and clothes and faces poverty and deprivation, he will resort to leaving his place to look for provision, there the evil hands and corrupt companions can pick him and lead him to grow up as a corrupt person. (5) Conflict and discord between parents Among the factors that lead to children’s perversion is deep conflict and continual discord between the father and mother. When the child sees clashes between his parents he will abandon this depressing atmosphere, look for friends with whom he will spend most of his time. So, if those friends are bad he would get used to perversion. (6) DIVORCE Among the factors that lead to children perversion is divorce. When the child misses the caring mother and responsible father, he will grow up corrupt and pervert. What makes such a situation even worse is the marriage of a divorced woman to another man. The 1st husband may prevent her from having contact with her children; hence those children will miss mother care totally in their upbringing. (7) WATCHING PORNOGRAPHIC AND CRIME FILMS Among the great factors that lead to children perversion and corrupt behaviours is what they watch on television and internet. These include pornographic and detective films. Children go into the sites of obscene film and picture on internet and cable network. The soul gets corrupted and they become wayward. Through internet they make friends which may eventually influence their lives negatively. It is the duty of every parent to keep their children away from watching pornographic and detective films, and prevent them from buying impudent magazines and possessing amorous novels or reading books that can corrupt their ideology. (8) PARENT’S FORSAKING THE BRINGING UP OF THEIR CHILDREN When parent’s forsake the reformation of their children, and neglect their role of guiding and raising them, due to one reason or the other, the children will be trained by the society. This means they can join any group, practice any religion, choose any way of life for themselves because they are at the mercy of the society. A poet observes this and said: the plant that grows in the green field is not like that which grows in the desert. How come we hope perfection for children who were fed with the breast of imperfect mothers? EFFECTIVE MEANS OF CHILD EDUCATION Having enumerated the various causes of children perversion, the discussion will not make much sense if we do not make mention of the effective means of training these children that will prevent them from falling into perversion. (A) TRAINING BY SETTING EXAMPLE One of the effective means of training is by setting example for the trainee to follow. Children in most cases copy or emulate what their parents do because they are the closest persons to them and it is what they see that they emulate. That is why it is easy for psychologist to predict the kind of home a child comes from by mere studying the child's’ behaviour. If the parents are truthful, chaste, and of noble character. You find their children as such but if the parents are liars, drunkard, coward of and treacherous, the children will pick most of these negative behaviours from them. No wonder Allah doesn’t mince words when he told us in the Qur’an that ‘Laqad kana fii Rasuli llahi uswatu hasana……………’ (The best examples are in the Messenger of Allah for you to follow). However, it is not sufficient for the parents to set a good example before the children, thinking that they have discharged their duty but they should link the children to the best example of the prophet. (B) TRAINING BY ADMONITION Another important effective means of bringing up a child is by constant admonition. The Prophet (SAW) said" Adinu Nasiiha." Parents must have a particular period or time with the children to educate them on different aspect of life ranging from belief (Aqidah) to moral (akhlaq), social, Ibadah etc. apart from the routine admonition, from time to time one must enlighten them on issue be it academic, religion, national/social, economy politics etc. In Qur'an 31 vs 13 -19, Luqman admonished his son on Aqeedah and morals. This method has an advantage of been an interactive method. The parent can get feedback immediately and the children also have opportunity to ask questions and bear their mind out. (C) EDUCATION BY OBSERVATION What I mean by this method is that parents should pay attention to their children's behaviour; whenever they notice any error in their behaviour they make correction instantly. It is one of the firmest bases in forming a well-balanced and integrated personality. The Prophet (SAW) said "whoever among you that observes or sees any abominable thing should change it with his hand, if he is unable to do that, he should change it with his tongue, if he is unable to do that then with his heart, that is the weakest of faith. Umar Ibn Abi Salamah said “I was a boy in the lap of Allah’s Messenger, and my hand used to move everywhere in the dish, so Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said to me “O boy, mention the name of Allah, eat with your right hand and eat from the nearest place to you. (Bukhari and Muslim). Ibn Abbas said “Allah’s Messenger (SAW) saw a gold ring on a man’s finger, so he took it off and threw it away and said one of you takes a piece of fire and make it in his hand” after Allah’s Messanger left, it was said to the man, take your ring and make use of it. He said “by Allah, no I will never take it after Allah’s Messenger (SAW) took it off (my finger). Abdullah Ibn-Amir (R.A) said, my mother once called me, in the presence of Allah’s Messenger (SAW) in our house, and she said come here I will give you something. Allah’s Messenger said what do you want to give him, she said I want to give him dates, If you do not give him something it will be written as a lie. Dawud and Bayhaki Parents should observe the following aspect about their children and take the necessary steps in correcting the abnormalities. - The aspect of aqidah - The aspect of ibadah - The aspect of friends and peer group - The aspect of books, magazines and publications he reads - The aspect of morals i.e. does he tell lies, is he a trust worthy person, crafty, does he steal, is he rude, proud, lazy etc. - The aspect of speech he made, does he call people bad name, does he abuse people, utter impolite words. Training by punishment As for the punishment given by parents to their children it differs in quantity, quality and method. Abu Dawud and Al-Hakim related that Ibn Amir Ibn Al-As said that the Prophet (SAW) said: (command your children to pray at the age of seven and beat them for not praying at the age ten, and separate between males and females in beds). From the hadith above, Prophet (SAW) recommends that punishment can be part of means of training children. But before punishment is introduced other methods such as setting examples, giving admonition, instruction and encouragement must have been used on the same issue for a period. From the hadith these other methods would have been used to reform or train the child for 3yrs at least. If the child refused to change the punishment can be introduced. One may also conclude that a child of less than 10yrs should not be punished; rather you use other methods to train him. According to Ibn Khaldun. The one, who was brought up by violence and submission, whether a learner, a mamluk, or a servant, humility will seize him, will make him displeased, inactive and lazy. It will force him to lie and be cunny for fear of hands stretching to subdue him. It will teach him to be trickish and deceptive which will become his habits and manners and will spoil his personality. Conclusion The Messenger (SAW) outline to parents and educators clear methods for dealing with child's perversion thus: (1) Calling attention to the wrong thing through direction: the hadith narrated by Umar Ibn Abi Salamah in Bukhari and muslim. (2) Pointing out the wrong deed in a gentle manner. (3) Pointing out the wrong deed by gesture (4) Pointing out the wrong deed by rebuke (5) Pointing out the wrong deed by desertion (6) Pointing out the wrong deed by beating. If punishment of beating is to be meted out on children, the following guidelines should be followed. (1) That the educator should not resort to beating except after using all aforementioned methods of discipline and reproach. (2) That he should not beat when he is in a great anger least he should inflict harm on the child. (3) He should avoid beating harmful places such as the head, face, chest (4) That beating at the first time should be unsevere and unpainful. It should be on the hands or feet with a thin stick. The beatings should be between one and three if the child has not yet reached puberty. However no matter the age the strikes should not be more than 10 in conformity with the Allah’s Messenger’s tradition. “No one should be given more than 10 lashes except in punishment for breaching one of Allah’s bounds”. (5) That he may not beat a child of less than 10yrs of age according to the aforementioned hadith “command your children to pray when they are seven years old and beat them for not performing it when they are ten years old”. (6) That the parent or educator should beat the child by himself and not leave it to a brother or a peer so that grudge and dispute may not arise.